Love in Buddhism

By Sasha Maggio

With Valentine’s Day here, newcomers to Buddhism may wonder what the Buddhist view of love is. After all, if Buddhism teaches that attachments lead to suffering, where does that leave love, marriage, and family?

It is important to understand that there are different types of love, and that love plays a big role in Buddhism, especially in the form of unconditional love and compassion. While this isn’t exactly “romantic” it is important.

Buddhism has never put a spotlight on the concept of marriage, and this can lead some to believe that marriage is not important to Buddhists. It can lead others to believe that the only true Buddhist is one who enters into a monastic circle and becomes a member of the Sangha, say as a monk or nun. The problem with these thought patterns is, both are “extremes” and extremes are not exactly conducive to Buddhist beliefs.

The Buddha, Siddhartha, was in fact married and had a son. He gave up this marriage, family, and happiness to find true happiness; a happiness that nothing could influence. It wasn’t that a wife and child didn’t make the Siddhartha happy, it was more that the inevitable aging, sickness, and death and the fears and anxieties that accompany such things, distracted from his true happiness.

An interesting entry in a Sutra attributed to the Buddha points to equality between men and women in a marriage, “In five ways should a wife be ministered to by her husband: by respect, by courtesy, by faithfulness, by handing over authority to her, by providing her with ornaments. In these five ways does the wife minister to her husband: her duties are well-performed by hospitality to the kin of both, by faithfulness, by watching over the goods he brings and by skill and industry in discharging all business.” While this quote shows an outdated division between the sexes, there is a sense of equality to the words.

Buddhism teaches the precept, among the Five Precepts, to abstain from immoral actions. But the definition of “immoral actions” is pretty much left to interpretation. Buddhist thinking, however, will guide the follower to the right definition of “immoral actions,” even if the follower refuses to acknowledge it. For example, one would consider adultery an immoral action, but why? Consider a lay Buddhist who decides that adultery can only be defined as intercourse with someone other than their spouse. Here’s where the Noble Eightfold Path comes in.

The Eightfold Path instructs us, as followers of Buddhism, to maintain certain things in order to eventually reach Enlightenment. If we look only at Purpose, Speech, Endeavor, Thought, and Conduct, it is easy to come to a different definition for adultery. For example, the Eightfold Path teaches that our Purpose should be to always try to do what is right, we should be truthful in the things we say (Speech), we should behave ourselves (Conduct), we should constantly try to become better (Endeavor), and we should be mindful of our thoughts as they become our actions (Thought).

Now consider marriage. Marriage, whether Buddhist or not, is a contract at its base level; an agreement to remain committed to one person. Buddhism doesn’t have a set definition of marriage; therefore, in essence, it can be applied to any committed relationship. In a marriage, if the Eightfold Path is applied to one’s behaviors it becomes impossible to justify adultery, which would then fall under the precept of abstaining from immoral acts.

But where does that leave us with love? In Buddhism, one of the goals is the reach a loving compassionate state where one is capable of seeing, caring for, and genuinely loving everyone and everything. This frees us from prejudice, but it also frees us from potential negative thoughts which can lead to negative actions; all of which hinder the path to Enlightenment.

We love our parents and siblings, our children, our partners with that unconditional love that sometimes blinds us. Can we love them unconditionally without clinging to them in attachment? The answer eludes many. One might argue that there cannot be a real answer. It is definitely a difficult topic to explain, as shown by this article, but it may be possible to love, unconditionally, those people we hold close and dear, without being attached.

When does attachment become a problem? - When that person or thing is no longer with us, in most cases. Whether the person is gone due to an end of a relationship, due to a business trip, due to children growing up and moving out, or due to a loss (death), if one can remember the Buddha’s Teachings even at these times, when the attachment becomes painful, it is possible to truly love while, at least partly, being free of attachment.

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Source: Love in Buddhism

Tags: Buddhism, Day, Love, Valentine's, in

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Comment by Hanzze on February 14, 2012 at 2:36am: continue the post befor:

Not only today people where shocked as they have been told that:

"'That's the way it is, householder. That's the way it is — for sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair are born from one who is dear, come springing from one who is dear.'

"'But, lord, who would ever think that sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair are born from one who is dear, come springing from one who is dear? Happiness & joy are born from one who is dear, come springing from one who is dear.' So, not delighting in the words of Gotama the contemplative, rejecting them, I got up from my seat and left."

Sometimes it is good, like in this sutta, to come back and listen the whole: Piyajatika Sutta: From One Who Is Dear

Metta is fare beyond all ideas of love and it will never lead us to sorrow an pain if we understand and practice it in the right way, never forget to let go of our selfish attachments and prospects in reward.

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Comment by Hanzze on February 14, 2012 at 2:35am: Dear friends,

Even this sentence:

"In Buddhism, one of the goals is the reach a loving compassionate state where one is capable of seeing, caring for, and genuinely loving everyone and everything." sounds heroic and wonderful, it can not be found anywhere is the advices of the Buddha.

This idea of taking care of everyone mostly comes from a wrong interpretation of the metta sutta which contains the part:

"As a mother would risk her life to protect her child, her only child, even so should one cultivate a limitless heart with regard to all beings."

When we look unmindful on this sentence we might thing, we should take care of everybody like a mother for her only child, but if we look more mindful we will see that it actually means, that we should take care of our "limitless heart with regard to all beings" (metta, good will) like a mother takes care of here only child.
It is first of all not possible to take care of everybody and sometimes it would be contra productive to take care of somebody, thought that he maybe do not like us or has different interests.

Also when we think on compassion (karuna), the wish to help others, the care of others has its limits, where we harm others or start to do wrong. So the best guide to teach us metta (goodwill for every being) and karuna is virtue (abstaining form harming, abstaining from taking what is not given, abstaining from sexual misdeeds and abstaining from harming the truth by telling a lie). This simply training rules of virtue are not difficult to follow if we abstain from "but" or any other ideas of how it could be.

When we investigate a little deeper virtue is actually the highest expression of taking care active of all other beings which at the same time will protect our self.
Regarding material care, even medical care, we are not always able to help. If we know how to make medicine, are able to chose what is compatible for the patient, if we don't fear to handle with beautiful things (like vomit or body fluids) we are able to help. Important is that we know what we do and its a matter of compassion to learn such things.
So it is for example a sign of compassion if one learns how to give first aid or how to tread people. And on this point it maybe good to remember on the greater compassion behind physical and medical aid as both have its limits and will not break the circle of suffering.
If we understand suffering and its origin as well the way out of it a little, its a matter of compassion to desire to learn the ways to it, as there is no greater gift or no greater help if one is able to give one the possibility to let go of fear and desire.

A mother for example takes care of her child, but if her thinking is right, she takes care of here child and teaches here child, that it will be able to walk alone and to be free of independence on her. If our understanding of metta and karuna is wrong, we put selfish interest into our relations, and mostly they are made of fake secure. There are people how help others in the hope to get help in return. For example raising children to have them as helper and security in old age. That is the normal propose of love, it is just a binding on each other and as thing are not lasting this fake secure will lead to suffering.

When we look at Valentine's day, its clear to see that it is a simply commercial event, a event which increases greed, love and attachment. Its the way love is used normal, its just a deal. I give you happiness (pleasant feelings) and you give me secure in return. It would be a nice deal if the secure wouldn't be a fake. The idea of security is just the frame of our expectations. Do this ideas we have really protect us from losing all, from sickness, aging and from death?

Not only today people where shock